Butterflies are Always Free

By A.M. Stewart

There was a time I remember feeling so small like I existed without a voice. I remember feeling like I didn’t even know ‘me.’ I remember believing the lies were true. I remember the stories I made up about weekly bruises that suddenly appeared on my limbs. I remember wanting someone who would love me – just for me.

Then realizing, maybe, I didn’t even love myself.

I remember the moment I spread my wings. And the moment I noticed that I had wings! It was the moment I decided I would no longer accept abuse.  It happened quite unexpectedly.

For many years, I prayed for him to change. For him to treat me better. For him to respect me.  For him to have an awakening that would show him how to truly love me. For him to wake up! There I was, watching, waiting, wondering if the butterfly would ever emerge from its cocoon. I could not see that I was in a cocoon too. Held captive only by my thinking.

I always thought I would be able to say or ‘do’ something that would change his thoughts and behavior. That maybe today was the day that he would show love and compassion. And true, maybe we can have an affect on others with our words and actions. But it is not up to us to change or ‘fix’ anyone.   

The change I desperately desired did not occur within him. It occurred within me like magic.  The rabbit suddenly popped out of the hat. There it was, my strength and Wisdom revealed!

It was in a Yoga class where I had an insight that changed my life forever.  I wasn’t expecting to see

life differently. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything. I wasn’t expecting any change. 
On that day, I listened to words that spoke to my heart, to my essence, to my Wisdom, to God within.  

They were words of freedom. Words of truth. Words of simple joy.

I’m sure I had probably heard these words before but in that moment they were truth. They were new. They were a gift only I could open. I was finally ready in that moment to listen.

The Yoga teacher said, “We cannot change the external world, we can only change ourselves from within.”

At that moment I knew I wanted to love myself. I knew I would no longer accept or tolerate abuse. I knew I had to leave.

We never know what will spark a moment of deep realization or insight. The Yoga teacher’s words were poetry to my heart. They were words I already knew. But now I was ready. Now I saw the strength within me. Now I could leave my cocoon.

Now, anything was possible – even starting all over.  

If you happen to be stubborn like me, you often have to go to the very bottom to discover you have to pick a different direction. You may, like me, just want to know for certain, ‘Is this really the bottom? Are you sure I can’t go any further?’ There was no more space in my cocoon. The only direction left was ‘out.’

And so I flew!

We fear change so much in life. We think we’ve got to hold onto whatever we have forever – even if it’s bad for us. Even if it’s killing us. All of a sudden we can find ourselves wearing a bikini in snowy weather shocked, wondering, ‘What happened? I’m freezing … where are my pants?’   

Yes the weather has changed. And when we resist change, we often create more problems.

Observe how nature gracefully accepts change whenever that should occur. Everything happens right on time, flawlessly, like a joyous dance between lost lovers. If Fall comes early, the leaves do not try to cling desperately to the tree. They joyfully surrender to the present moment of falling.

Nothing is late. Nothing is early. Nothing is resisted. It’s all peacefully accepted as the Truth. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we relaxed just a bit and enjoyed the changing seasons of our lives?

The season of my life changed in a matter of seconds. After hearing the Yoga teacher’s words, a burden lifted from my shoulders. I no longer felt guilty and ashamed of my sad marriage. I no longer felt like I had to fix it or the other person.

I discovered, in fact, I was free.

I discovered I no longer had to lie about the bruises.  I no longer had to accept being verbally put down every day. I no longer needed to play a victim role. I no longer had to pretend life was wonderful.

I could just be me. So I grew dreadlocks and made a plan to leave someone who chose not love me.

I chose to love myself.

For the first time in my life I listened to my heart. I listened to the voice deep within my soul. And I took a courageous step onto a path I could not see. People and opportunities began to show up in my life to help me because my eyes and heart were open.

When I began to trust that I had Wisdom I did things I never thought I’d have the courage or strength to do. I took steps to free myself from an abusive person. I made decisions that felt right to my soul. I stood up for myself when people close to me questioned why I was leaving my marriage. I spoke my Truth with love and courage.

In the midst of my abusive relationship, I received a gift.  It was a box a friend made for me. The front of the box said, “Butterflies are always free.” A simple message of truth about who we are.

After emerging from the cocoon, there were many moments this butterfly had to rest. And still does. Learning to fly again can sometimes feel like a bumpy endeavor.

We are all meant to fly free. To be contained only by the love of our hearts. And when I least expected it, I uncovered this freedom dwelling in my soul all along.

Connected to Love

 by A.M. Stewart

We are always connected to Love, because Love is who we are. Whether we realize this moment to moment or not - this is a truth.  Some people may use many words in place of ‘Love’ like God, Wisdom, Energy, Source, the Supreme, etc.  But we’re all talking about the same thing here, let us not get lost on the sound of words. 

I’ve noticed this connection to Love at many different points in my life. During situations one would think not possible. One in particular comes to mind: when visiting my Mom the week her husband passed away. During this sad time of loss, I noticed my Mom continuing to care for all the flowers she had been given.  Carefully, gently and peacefully she replaced the water, then arranged them in such a pleasing way. Her care and gentleness for the flowers was simply a deep connection to Love expressing itself in this way, in that moment.

I noticed this connection recently when feeling particularly overwhelmed and sad about life. I realized I was ‘feeling’ alone. The moment I noticed this – and said it to myself – something profound happened. My connection to Love – to God – answered back, “You are never alone. Even when you’re alone, you’re never alone – because you are connected to this infinite, universal energy of Love, of God, of Wisdom.” 

This deep realization was immediately comforting to me in that moment. It’s exactly what I needed. And it came from inside myself – no one else ‘told’ me this. In that moment I recognized this Truth, this connection to Love that never disappears. What an absolute gift. We are always connected to Love – because Love is who we are. 

Where Did the Wellness Go?

By A.M. Stewart

  It recently occurred to me that it’s absolutely 100% OK to be in a low or bad mood. In fact last week I felt like shit. Yes, basically the entire week I was in a feeling state of funk. Maybe you have had times too where you didn’t feel well or something just felt off, not quite right.

I think in times like this it’s helpful to know that your wellness didn’t ‘go’ anywhere. You might feel as if it took the next train to Napa, but in fact, your wellness has remained. It can’t ‘go’ anywhere because it IS you. It would be like saying ‘my heart has literally stopped beating.’ Not possible. Only if you were physically no longer with us in form could that be possible. The same is true for your Well-being.

You happen to be a ‘package deal.’ Yes, the moment you were born you were given innate wellness, Wisdom or some say Source and lots of other terms that we could use to describe this gift.

So what happens when we feel as though we are not well?

I was listening to a mentor speak the other day, and she shared something that hit me to my core: she said, “Sometimes we see our wellness and sometimes we simply do not.”  

This is deeply true and important to remember, especially when we happen not to ‘see’ or feel our innate Well-being.

The other day, I was at a friend’s house. She had just moved into this new house. She spent a while looking for the outside spigot on her house but just couldn’t find it. We were standing together looking for the spigot, I looked down and there it was plain as day! The spigot in plain sight. No more than 2 feet away from us. She totally missed it even though it had been there the entire time.

We do this same thing with our Wisdom and Well-being. We sometimes innocently believe that it is no longer part of us.  Sometimes we think we no longer have it – and can sometimes think there may even be (gasp!) something wrong with us!

The low feelings and moods we experience can be like clouds moving across the sky. The sunshine is like Wisdom and Well-being. Sometimes the clouds move in front of the sun. But the sun doesn’t actually disappear. Sometimes it just appears that way because all we’re focusing on are the rain clouds, so in that moment, that is all we happen to see. But behind the clouds, the sun remains. Our Wisdom and Well-being always remains.

When I was having my not-so-good week I recognized my feelings were off. I was seeing the rainstorm. So I chose not to make a big deal of them. I chose not to deeply trust what I happened to be thinking while I was in those low moods. I chose to react less and do as little as I possibly could in those low moods because I knew my feelings were low.  I chose to be OK with not feeling very OK.

When I know my feelings are off, I know I probably shouldn’t trust the quality of my thinking. It is not the Truth about life or who I am.

When I feel calm, neutral, clear and open I naturally connect to Wisdom and Well-being. It is in this place I discover Truth. There isn’t anything in particular to ‘do’ for this to arise. It just IS.

Sometimes it’s just OK to be in the moment. Sometimes we may have to get out of our own way. Maybe simply noticing that we’re having a lot of thinking about things and life is helpful. Busy and wrapped-up thinking will surly distract you from seeing and feeling your wellness and Wisdom. Maybe we could be honest with ourselves and look inside to see how we’re creating our feelings and experience of life. Maybe.

The depth of our understanding of life is limitless.

And it’s nice to know the wellness within us hasn’t gone anywhere. Even if, momentarily, innocently, we may believe it has.

Granny's Love Doesn't Cost a Thing

By A.M. Stewart

Watching my Granny create hundreds of crocheted pieces of art, then effortlessly give them away made little sense to me as a 7, 10, and 12 year-old child.  “You mean, you just spent all that time making that and your just going to give it away,” I thought.

Often Granny will give anyone, really, anything for any reason.  A friend coming for a visit. A person she hears of that is ill. A new Mother-in-law joining the family. My 5^th grade teacher.  It doesn’t matter. 
She gives her love away freely, beautifully, with no expectation attached, without conditions.  




I didn’t understand her love until I got older and found myself doing the same thing, but in different ways. 

Turns out, the love-well never runs dry.

I learned this lesson so deeply from my Granny – but only through her actions.  I don’t ever remember her saying to me, “We give because we love,” or something mushy like that. She taught me the meaning of life by the love she painted. By the clothes she ironed. By the crocheted gifts she made every student in my 3^rd grade class. By the snacks she gave us when we returned home from school. The breakfast she made, the clothes she laid out for me. Her arms wrapped tightly around me in a rocking chair. 

All with unconditional love just flowing.

She even taught me her delicate art form. It was the summer she helped me crochet my very first project: a small, square pillow, when I realized the tedious nature of the craft. After it was complete, I was beaming with pride and excitement for what had been created. Then, for a moment, I reflected about how much effort and time was poured into this creation … pausing, then noticing:

Granny gives away most everything she makes to others … “Wow,” I thought.  Then came the question, “Why?”
At that time, I couldn’t understand why - or how - someone would give away all their energy, love and hard work.
 
For so long I believed my love-well could run dry. That if, during a dry summer, I gave too much love away, I’d need to wait till spring to give out more. It wasn’t until I understood unconditional love for myself, that I noticed somehow the well never completely runs dry.

When I began to see that love is me, I realized giving love away required no effort because it was simply a true expression of myself. Each simple, small act could bear the fruit of love – even if I was in the midst of a troubling situation – love is there, it is me, we are inseparable.

There was a time (even occasionally now!) my thoughts told me it was difficult to love – because of my past, worry about the future or whatever baggage I happened to be believing at the time. So that was my reality: ‘sometimes it’s hard or impossible to give others love.’  When I no longer believe that thought – and remember the source of love – anything is possible. 

Even, never running out of love is possible.

It’s interesting how situations in the past can teach us lessons in the present if we are open to seeing and hearing.  Unexpectedly, on a spring afternoon, while running in a park, my Granny’s unconditional love hit me. I began to recall all the love she poured into my life. At that moment, I realized she was one of the first people who taught me about the truth of love and compassion. To this day, she gives that same love away, with ease, looking as effortless as breathing.


But what had created this great moment of insight into realizing one of my very first teachers in life? It was simply my openness that showed me a fresh new way to receive life. 

A desire to want to understand more. A willingness to let go.

Now that I know my love-well never runs dry, what reason do I have to withhold my love from anything or anyone?  To withhold love, would be to deny who I am. 

 I see again and again, I am Love. Every human being is love.

My Granny gives her love away freely, beautifully, naturally. It doesn’t cost a thing.

And I am so grateful for it.

Resisting Motherhood

By A.M. Stewart

Can I just admit to you there are some moments and possibly days I do not like being a mother.  Yikes! I know … I’ve said the words no mother is ‘suppose’ to say.  But I did it. There it is. Now that we’ve established some honesty here, I’m going to take it further.

There are even times I have to bite my lip so hard not to scream profanities running wild in my brain while my toddler son is hitting me repeatedly waiting in the check out line at Sam’s. 

Sometimes it takes every tiny inch of my will power not to hit my child.  Did I just say that?

Yes, well, I am in the camp that does not believe hitting actually helps – I believe the opposite, actually.  Don’t worry this isn’t leading up to a lecture where I spew off statistics about the harm in harming your child.  I’ll respect you enough to let you decide what you think is best when rearing your own child.

Back to the point, I resist being a mother. But just for this moment.  Maybe even just for today.

Yes … I resist the notion that I have to locate Buzz Lightyear again for the 5^th time today.  I resist the laundry. The dishes. The constant coaxing to be buckled into a carseat.  I resist the looks people give me when my son runs free and wild down isles of books in the Library.  I resist trying to make my high-energy toddler sit through story time, grasping at his waist, desperately trying to convince him THIS IS a fun time. I resist cleaning the pee out of our bed and off the floor and then off the couch.

I resist being a mother today.

I resist the tantrums. The kicking. The hitting. The constant making of food. I resist, even, the sound of a voice saying, “Mommy.” I resist exhaustion and reading books about snakes. I resist it ALL.

I resist being a mother today.

I resist saying all day long, “Can you please use your words?” “Please put that back” and “”We need to wait our turn.”  I resist my accelerated heart rate when an inconsolable child cannot be consoled while riding in the car. I resist the feeling of resistance. I resist it ALL.

I resist being a mother today.

And when the day is over, my resistance soon disappears.  Like those one-day parking-lot carnivals I’d seen up North, all of a sudden missing like it never once existed. Like it was all in my head. 

When my resistance is all tired out from a long day of resisting, contentment soon takes its place. And all of the things I once resisted are somehow fine. Then I remember this gift and pleasure. Then I remember its ok to resist things sometimes too - even being a mother.

And luckily I remember, this life isn’t so serious in the end.

Live Like a Tree

By A.M. Stewart

Live grounded like a tree, its roots stretching far and wide. 

Be as present as a tree, grateful for each moment.  A tree is not partial to the rainstorms or the sunshine, it knows both are essential for its growth.  A tree is not partial to the morning or the night, it is in total acceptance of Life's balance. 

Be like the branches of the tree, bending with the wind, leaves flowing gently with cool air breezes.  Live quiet as the tree, assured life is its forever Source.

A Letter to my son

Dear Child,
You have eloquently and fiercely reminded me of the Purpose of Life in your 2.5 years of this World:
To Love and be of Joy for the mere beauty of existing; To forgive and love again throughout each trial and tribulation; To be uncomfortable and struggle when you cannot have everything and then to quickly be ok with that too; To be of complete awe and appreciation for the simple-ness of Life; And to hold no kind of opinion that would affect your Love for anything. For Love does not dwell inside lines adults create.
Thank you for teaching me your Wisdom.
Love,
Your Mama

What does NOW feel like?

By A.M. Stewart

Is it the wind against my skin

That feels like Life in creation?

Or the sun that kisses my lips

For its complete attention

The breath in my chest

Spreading to every cell

It is the motion of

ALL things

As I do no thing

The connection of

ALL Life

As I am

A vibration of Peace

Among outside chaos

A moth who stops by to look

Deep into my eyes

Is it a song ever flowing

No one but I will hear?

A Loud and Looming voice saying,

“THIS IS ALL THERE EVER IS!”

In here I know all that’s ever been known

Here

Faithfully loving NOW

Throughout all my discomfort

Faithfully loving NOW

Throughout all my resistance

Faithfully loving NOW

Throughout all my acceptance

Faithfully loving NOW

Throughout all my successes

Faithfully loving NOW

Throughout all my failures

Faithfully loving NOW

This Loud and Looming voice saying,

“THIS IS ALL THERE EVER IS!”

The Source of Life

By A.M. Stewart

Become Silent once more

Choose to react less

The Source of Life is

Always in motion

Always unfolding

On it’s own.

Be Still

And Listen

Just. Be. Still.

Stop running with your mind

For a second

And the answer

Will arise.

When

Your mind is

Full of fog

You cannot see

The Path.

Wait one second

This fog clears

And again

Be

Assured

You 

are 

exactly 

where

You’re 

supposed

to be.

Be Still.

Be Silent.

Let the voices

Carry on without you.

IT is not Life’s Source

The Heart

of 

You

Is Life’s Source.

The Heart

of 

You

Knows.

The Heart

of 

You

Is Still.

Step into this

Moment with me.

And leave the

Busy thoughts behind.

Then you will Know

All that you Seek.

Parenting and Being Human: Lessons From A Toddler

By A.M Stewart

 

As I’m watching my son the other day, I begin to take notice of the seemingly effort-less-ness of his smiling and laughing.  Huh, I thought. 

He looked to be so joyful for (really) no apparent reason.  Or perhaps, there wasn’t any ‘reason’ my brain could come up with as to why he was acting so happy in that moment. (I should mention my son is 2.5 years old.)

I wonder why he’s so happy, I thought. Then something profound came to me. 

He is living in his true state of being! 

There is no ‘reason’ we have to have in order to be happy or joyful – but for the mere sake of existing – of being – of living.

Tosh, my son, was simply being - expressing the pure love that is him. 

Then I thought, you know, adults, teenagers, stressed-out individuals - ALL humans - have this ability.  An ability that is so natural, like water flowing down a river.  No effort needed because it is who we are. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am like every other parent out there who clinches her teeth as their toddler throws a tantrum in the Library.  Who (at times) uses all her strength to hold back from acting on the immediate thoughts in her head as her child hits her and throws objects at her (currently dealing with this). Who criticizes herself with loads of judgement when her son comes back from a night at Grandma’s and behaved like an ‘angel’. (Why can’t he do that for me?)  Yes, just because I’m writing this doesn’t mean I’m immune to being human. 

However, I do find that when I’m open to learning, I do indeed learn so very much. 

Even from my toddler son.  (Yes, you read that correctly).

Actually, tons of learning happens when I am present with my child.

We visited the zoo several weekends ago with Tosh, our son.  As we approached the entrance, I glimpsed a sign that said, “Water is never tired of flowing.”   

Of course!  

Because water is just flowing, surrendering to the flow, much like children know how to do so naturally.

As we navigated the Zoo, I had all these thoughts about what we ‘should’ or ‘needed’ to cover.  Tosh, on the other hand, had completely different ideas about how to see the Zoo.   

He just flowed. 

And me, in my innocent thinking, trying numerous times to drag or coerce him to see the chimps … “Monkeys are over here Tosh,” I said.  “Here there are - down here, come on, come on,” I kept telling him.  Ultimately feeling like some kind of monkey drug dealer to my child.

 Tosh, on the other hand, was flowing through the Zoo.  At his pace, through his eyes.  Really being present with what came into view. 

Instead of wanting to see the monkeys right away – his vision caught a statute of some tigers.  So I relaxed.  And (for the most part) allowed Tosh to guide us through the Zoo.  Being patient and present with him.

We stopped at the Lions, who were taking some serious cat-naps, when suddenly, some ants on the ground caught Tosh’s attention.  Ok I thought, let’s observe some ants.   

When I relaxed, and allowed myself to experience the flow, I noticed I was having a much more enjoyable experience. 

When I was was being ‘forceful’ in my attempts, I felt tense and, well, kinda off.  Like something didn’t feel quite right.  (by the way, we did end up seeing the chimps)

So what does all this mean, really? 

For me, I was learning (again, yes, once again) that when I decided to be open to learning, something miraculous happened:

I was able to feel and be inside this pure, love-state.  

Our natural state.

So why, sometimes, does it feel like REAL effort to be in this supposedly ‘natural’ Love and Wisdom state?   

Our thoughts!

Without going into too much detail here: we, especially adults, can have a lot of thoughts about life, about situations, about people, about the past – just about anything!  (Like my thoughts about how the Zoo ‘needed’ to be seen)

It is only our momentary thoughts that happen to ‘get in the way’ of us being able to recognize that pure Love-Wisdom-state. 

The most awesome thing to know is:  

We always have the capacity to feel this love-state, this joy, this peace, this contentment in life – regardless of what may be happening situationally or circumstantially. 

For us to experience this love-state (sometimes referred to this as Wisdom) all we have to do is exist, to be alive!  That’s it!  No contract to sign or payments ...

The Love inside you is already and always there. It’s our gift as human beings.

It may just be our innocent, temporary thinking about the situation or whatever we’re dealing with in that moment that happens to take our attention away from the truth of who we are, what is present, what is truly at our core. 

Every day my son reminds me of the infinite Love that is me. 

I observe how quickly his moods change and how swifty he can move from being placed in ‘quiet time’ to hugging and kissing me the moment he is released. 

 The same is true for us adults too.  If we allowed it.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between experiencing a good day and a bad day is? 

Let’s take it even deeper than the surface issues.  Life is full of what I call ‘surface issues.’   For instance, when you can’t pay a bill, or your kitchen floor floods for no apparent reason or your tax return is seized by the student loan people (current personal issues I’m speaking of!). 

These are all ‘surface’ issues, life issues, things that inevitably come up in life that you really may have no control over whatsoever!  A.K.A. external things

So, what is beneath all these ‘surface issues’?   

Even in the midst of all these issues, your ultimate state of Love and Wisdom is still present. Find out for yourself.      

When we see ourselves caught up in obsessive ‘thinking’ about things, do you think it’s easier or harder to find a solution?

On the other side, when you are feeling at ease and maybe at peace, have you ever had a solution to a problem or question surface immediately?

These are questions I encourage you to explore for your own benefit. 

I ‘play’ like this in life a lot.  Like, “What happens when I slow down and come into the present moment in dealing with a tough, tough situation?”  I’ve learned a lot in this way of self-exploration and introspection. 

I’m not asking that you trust what I write about – more that you explore it for yourself.

What I write is not about a destination that seeks ‘perfection’ rather, simply, an exploration of the understanding of how we operate as human beings. 

Yes, there are times I fly off the handle – and have even yelled (eek) at my son – and my husband. 

Having embarked upon understanding this inside-out nature to life helps me see why I may have reacted that way.  It’s easier for me to forgive myself for the stumbles along the way too.  Understanding our human-ness has opened my heart to myself and those around me.

Children can be our best teachers.   

 If we are open to learn.

With Love and Gratitude Always 

No Need to "be something"

It occurs to me that there is so much focus on "self-improvement" these days ... suggesting we are "not good enough."

I am here to say otherwise. 

You are enough. 

As you are. 

You are made perfectly whole, loving and amazing.  Nothing changes that.  Or can take it away.


Suppose you decided to stop all the 'efforting' and simply appreciate where you are in this moment ... 
Sometimes it's like we can be spending so much effort and time trying to swim against the current, really getting nowhere.   

~ When all we need to do is relax and let go - and life - the current - will naturally take care of us and bring us right where we're supposed to be. ~

Do you also see the benefit of letting go?  
Of simply accepting what is, in this moment?

The Fluorescent Buzzing of Life

 

by A.M. Stewart

 Maybe nothing needs to be fixed.

Maybe trying to fix ‘something’ is a self-created illusion.

Consider – you are already everything you need to be – And maybe the situation too.

 Maybe your thoughts about yourself are distracting you from seeing this.

Like a Hamster spinning on a wheel in a cage – just remember: the only way the wheel continues to spin is if you are making it turn. 

Hop off the wheel for a second - and see something New – or not.

At your core – beneath the fluorescent buzzing of life – is absolute Love, absolute innocence, absolute Truth.   

It IS who you are, always.

I know you’ve sensed this deeper part of you before, because, after all – it IS who we are.  Maybe you haven’t felt it since childhood.  But you HAVE felt it.  It never goes away. 

 Maybe you’ve just taken notice of the buzz the fluorescent bulbs of life continuously make, momentarily taking your attention away from the Truth of you.

We think there is so much ‘doing’ that needs to be done to make our lives so much better.   

Throughout all your struggle and days of ‘doing ‘– and fighting against the ‘doing’ – and judgment of the ‘doing’ – are you finally ready to let go of the ‘doing’?  After all, all this ‘doing’ isn’t really doing it - is it?

Yes, there are certain things we must ‘do’ in life. I’m not really talking about all that; I’m speaking of something deeper here. 

Often we can feel as if we need to ‘make’ ourselves better (internally) in some way before attempting to do something else in life.   

You are already perfect and whole.  There is nothing to perfect.  It’s already there.  

Nothing along life’s path can damage that – or take it away. Maybe you are in a place where you momentarily believe that it has been taken away or damaged.  And that’s ok too.

Just remember, when you are ready, you will stop paying so much attention to all the fluorescent buzzing of life.  That is only a distraction. 

Underneath it all, is you.

A place where you can peacefully navigate any of life’s storms with ease and clarity. 

Maybe your thoughts are keeping you from seeing this. 

Maybe you are just perfect, 

the way you are, after all.  
And possess all the knowledge you will ever need.

Allowing Love to Exist

“This is Not My Pain” Allowing Love to Exist 

Tosh’s Birth Story 

A.M. Stewart 

I knew the first time I would give birth would be a peaceful experience.  It sounds like an oxymoron.  Two opposing ideas that cant quite exist with each other.  I’m here to say otherwise.  At this moment in time, I am finally able to put words in describing a deeply moving experience that came through me.  

 Here is Tosh’s Birth Story:

I went into the labor prepared with the “mantra”  “Love for a Baby.”  Which I told myself I would repeat in times of pain and discomfort.  This did not happen.  As life often does, ‘it’ has other plans that do not necessarily coincide with our personal plan-making minds. 

What came to me instead was, “This is not my pain.”

I repeated this internally throughout the entire labor and birth process.  It was the only thing my mind could say – even after I intentionally reminded myself I would rather say “Love for a baby.”  But I never repeated that continually.  It always came back to “This is not my pain."

 I didn’t stick to traditional lamaz breathing either, which made me feel as though I was going to hyperventilate and die just from breathing in that way.  I trusted what felt best, which was longer, deeper, more “yogic” type of breathing.  

 It just felt more natural to me.  Easier, more calming.

Aside from the occasional thoughts that surfaced, such as “How are women doing this multiple times and WHY??!!  And “Never the-f*#k again!”  - I remained at peace through this process.   

At peace internally!  In labor!  Through contractions!

“This is not my pain” surfaced in my mind during the most grueling and painful moments; once again allowing me to relax and ‘give up’ control of my body.  My body was in complete surrender at moments, allowing another part of my body to do the work needed to bring forth life.

At times, there was almost a ‘limpness’ to my Being.  A total relaxing of my mind and body to allow something greater to occur.  I was even able to ‘rest’ during the 23 or so odd hour period of labor.  I even laid down on my side to regain some internal and physical strength.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I did feel much of the pain and intensity; the pressure of my body searching desperately to find an opening; a resolve.  At times it felt like thunder in my body.   

But then, once again, I remembered, “This is not my Pain.”

There was a certain amount of stillness and peace in my core – even through some of the most tense and painful moments. 

My Doctor (who came in on her day OFF to deliver our son!) was surprised to find out that I had not taken 1 birthing class.  She said in all her years she had only seen one other woman give birth in such a calm, peaceful way.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We (women) know how to do this – we were built to do this. 

I’m not mentioning this part to brag (well, maybe a lil!) I’m telling this story now for several reasons:

#1. To let women know this is a possibility!  To give way for love to exist in such a peaceful way is a reality; is perfectly possible; is what we’re capable of doing! Simply so!   (Please know, if you have had a different experience – as most of us do – I am in no way judging or criticizing - just pointing to a possibility.)

 And the 2nd reason I’m sharing this story is because I now understand this deeply spiritual experience I had a little bit more.  I am now able to put words on an experience that was once indescribable.

 Let me explain:

There is an energy – 

a spiritual nature to us naturally.  

 Our limited ideas about ourselves and our physical nature tends to get in the way.  It prevents us from understanding and seeing more about ourselves at the root – who we truly are.

  When I gave up the notion, that it was ‘my’ pain, that I was ‘this’ body – something greater happened.  I remained.  
~ My essence remained ~

And I no longer identified with the pain.  It was no longer ‘mine.’  Pain was just there.  And it had no meaning, other than what it was supposed to be.

In total surrender of that pain and my body – my spirit, my energy remained.  And because of this, it provided a continual source of peace and stillness.

Allowing love to exist in the form of my son has been – to date – the most spiritually moving experience of my life.

This one occurrence showed me a depth to myself I had not previously recognized in that way.  It showed me a part of myself that was capable of un-perceivable things.

We are often greater – and can do greater things - than our thoughts about ourselves allow us to believe.

Many other 'things' happened during this experience - but this is what I felt most important to share!

With Love and Respect for ALL 

Tosh Ripple, several hours old

Tosh, 1 week