Allowing Love to Exist

“This is Not My Pain” Allowing Love to Exist 

Tosh’s Birth Story 

A.M. Stewart 

I knew the first time I would give birth would be a peaceful experience.  It sounds like an oxymoron.  Two opposing ideas that cant quite exist with each other.  I’m here to say otherwise.  At this moment in time, I am finally able to put words in describing a deeply moving experience that came through me.  

 Here is Tosh’s Birth Story:

I went into the labor prepared with the “mantra”  “Love for a Baby.”  Which I told myself I would repeat in times of pain and discomfort.  This did not happen.  As life often does, ‘it’ has other plans that do not necessarily coincide with our personal plan-making minds. 

What came to me instead was, “This is not my pain.”

I repeated this internally throughout the entire labor and birth process.  It was the only thing my mind could say – even after I intentionally reminded myself I would rather say “Love for a baby.”  But I never repeated that continually.  It always came back to “This is not my pain."

 I didn’t stick to traditional lamaz breathing either, which made me feel as though I was going to hyperventilate and die just from breathing in that way.  I trusted what felt best, which was longer, deeper, more “yogic” type of breathing.  

 It just felt more natural to me.  Easier, more calming.

Aside from the occasional thoughts that surfaced, such as “How are women doing this multiple times and WHY??!!  And “Never the-f*#k again!”  - I remained at peace through this process.   

At peace internally!  In labor!  Through contractions!

“This is not my pain” surfaced in my mind during the most grueling and painful moments; once again allowing me to relax and ‘give up’ control of my body.  My body was in complete surrender at moments, allowing another part of my body to do the work needed to bring forth life.

At times, there was almost a ‘limpness’ to my Being.  A total relaxing of my mind and body to allow something greater to occur.  I was even able to ‘rest’ during the 23 or so odd hour period of labor.  I even laid down on my side to regain some internal and physical strength.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I did feel much of the pain and intensity; the pressure of my body searching desperately to find an opening; a resolve.  At times it felt like thunder in my body.   

But then, once again, I remembered, “This is not my Pain.”

There was a certain amount of stillness and peace in my core – even through some of the most tense and painful moments. 

My Doctor (who came in on her day OFF to deliver our son!) was surprised to find out that I had not taken 1 birthing class.  She said in all her years she had only seen one other woman give birth in such a calm, peaceful way.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We (women) know how to do this – we were built to do this. 

I’m not mentioning this part to brag (well, maybe a lil!) I’m telling this story now for several reasons:

#1. To let women know this is a possibility!  To give way for love to exist in such a peaceful way is a reality; is perfectly possible; is what we’re capable of doing! Simply so!   (Please know, if you have had a different experience – as most of us do – I am in no way judging or criticizing - just pointing to a possibility.)

 And the 2nd reason I’m sharing this story is because I now understand this deeply spiritual experience I had a little bit more.  I am now able to put words on an experience that was once indescribable.

 Let me explain:

There is an energy – 

a spiritual nature to us naturally.  

 Our limited ideas about ourselves and our physical nature tends to get in the way.  It prevents us from understanding and seeing more about ourselves at the root – who we truly are.

  When I gave up the notion, that it was ‘my’ pain, that I was ‘this’ body – something greater happened.  I remained.  
~ My essence remained ~

And I no longer identified with the pain.  It was no longer ‘mine.’  Pain was just there.  And it had no meaning, other than what it was supposed to be.

In total surrender of that pain and my body – my spirit, my energy remained.  And because of this, it provided a continual source of peace and stillness.

Allowing love to exist in the form of my son has been – to date – the most spiritually moving experience of my life.

This one occurrence showed me a depth to myself I had not previously recognized in that way.  It showed me a part of myself that was capable of un-perceivable things.

We are often greater – and can do greater things - than our thoughts about ourselves allow us to believe.

Many other 'things' happened during this experience - but this is what I felt most important to share!

With Love and Respect for ALL 

Tosh Ripple, several hours old

Tosh, 1 week