Love in Loss: A personal story of pregnancy loss

This is my personal story about pregnancy loss. On January 26, 2014, we lost our second child. 

The morning after the Doctor told us our baby's heartbeat had stopped in my womb, my 3 year- old son must have known. He slept in bed with us that night. When we awoke in the morning, he held my face with both his hands and kissed my lips over and over.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Like he knew. And was saying to me, "Mommy, it's ok. I love you."

The painting I was moved to create

In days that followed, my son and I lie in bed as he started to talk about the baby in Mommy's belly. I told him very gently the baby had gone to heaven to be an Angel. And very matter of fact-like, he repeated everything I told him.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to experience sadness or a loss. I think our thoughts can tell us there is. That we 'should' be going through certain steps of grieving - which is okay too - but not necessarily a 'have to.'

Something that I was quite surprised by were my feelings and 'state of mind' throughout it all.  I noticed myself expereincing - even in the midst of this sadness - great peace, happiness and joy. I noticed myself being quite judgemntal of those feelings too. Conditioned thoughts arising, saying, 'No, wait - you're supposed to feel sad right now!!'

And don't get me wrong, there were many moments - and days too - of shitty. To which I replied, "Who cares! So what, you know, it's just a feeling." The feeling really doesn't say anything about the true nature of me .. so essentially, I got to enjoy the momentary misery.  Maybe it's not the "normal" response but it certainly felt "natural" to me.

Sitting quietly in my living room one afternoon, I realized my thoughts and my personal mind had this tendancy to bring back and hold onto the painful thoughts and feelings. But when I just released them - I immediately felt comfort. Joy. Peace. "Interesting," I thought. It seems slightly exhausting to hold on to these sad thoughts. So I just let them go. And let them come. And then let them go again.

What always seemed to surface was this calm feeling. This eternal space of Love. And it said, "You're okay." And I deeply felt it.

Sometimes it can be as though others, unknowingly, project their feelings onto you. "Poor you" .. you know? I recall a time when a friend was telling me his car had broke down so he had to take the bus. Immediately I said to him, "I'm sorry." (assuming this must be bad for him)  His response was blunt and loving, "No - I like it," He said, "I get to meet lots of people."
It's all very innocent, this projecting thing ...

I recall having many insights throughout this experience, many moments of seeing the true nature of things. One of the most powerful ones was when I allowed myself to look further into the heart of 'me.'

A mentor of mine asked me one day, "WHO has this happened TO?"

Talk about a mind-fuck. I reflected on this question and went deeply into a space of nothingness and everything-ness that appeared untouchable - unbreakable - totally absent of my self-created identity and ideas.

I discovered that only my identity (ego, thoughts) that I created could be 'hurt.' And behind all that -  the truth of what I am: This energy, this resiliency, this source of ultimate Love - wherever you believe it comes from - is, well, unbreakable and always whole.

A wash of relief came over me. A realization of true and total freedom filled my spirit. And this challenging, heart-breaking experience transformed in front of my eyes into living beauty. Gratitude for all life bursting.

And it was there that I met Love in the midst of loss.

Resisting Motherhood

By A.M. Stewart

Can I just admit to you there are some moments and possibly days I do not like being a mother.  Yikes! I know … I’ve said the words no mother is ‘suppose’ to say.  But I did it. There it is. Now that we’ve established some honesty here, I’m going to take it further.

There are even times I have to bite my lip so hard not to scream profanities running wild in my brain while my toddler son is hitting me repeatedly waiting in the check out line at Sam’s. 

Sometimes it takes every tiny inch of my will power not to hit my child.  Did I just say that?

Yes, well, I am in the camp that does not believe hitting actually helps – I believe the opposite, actually.  Don’t worry this isn’t leading up to a lecture where I spew off statistics about the harm in harming your child.  I’ll respect you enough to let you decide what you think is best when rearing your own child.

Back to the point, I resist being a mother. But just for this moment.  Maybe even just for today.

Yes … I resist the notion that I have to locate Buzz Lightyear again for the 5^th time today.  I resist the laundry. The dishes. The constant coaxing to be buckled into a carseat.  I resist the looks people give me when my son runs free and wild down isles of books in the Library.  I resist trying to make my high-energy toddler sit through story time, grasping at his waist, desperately trying to convince him THIS IS a fun time. I resist cleaning the pee out of our bed and off the floor and then off the couch.

I resist being a mother today.

I resist the tantrums. The kicking. The hitting. The constant making of food. I resist, even, the sound of a voice saying, “Mommy.” I resist exhaustion and reading books about snakes. I resist it ALL.

I resist being a mother today.

I resist saying all day long, “Can you please use your words?” “Please put that back” and “”We need to wait our turn.”  I resist my accelerated heart rate when an inconsolable child cannot be consoled while riding in the car. I resist the feeling of resistance. I resist it ALL.

I resist being a mother today.

And when the day is over, my resistance soon disappears.  Like those one-day parking-lot carnivals I’d seen up North, all of a sudden missing like it never once existed. Like it was all in my head. 

When my resistance is all tired out from a long day of resisting, contentment soon takes its place. And all of the things I once resisted are somehow fine. Then I remember this gift and pleasure. Then I remember its ok to resist things sometimes too - even being a mother.

And luckily I remember, this life isn’t so serious in the end.

A Letter to my son

Dear Child,
You have eloquently and fiercely reminded me of the Purpose of Life in your 2.5 years of this World:
To Love and be of Joy for the mere beauty of existing; To forgive and love again throughout each trial and tribulation; To be uncomfortable and struggle when you cannot have everything and then to quickly be ok with that too; To be of complete awe and appreciation for the simple-ness of Life; And to hold no kind of opinion that would affect your Love for anything. For Love does not dwell inside lines adults create.
Thank you for teaching me your Wisdom.
Love,
Your Mama

Parenting and Being Human: Lessons From A Toddler

By A.M Stewart

 

As I’m watching my son the other day, I begin to take notice of the seemingly effort-less-ness of his smiling and laughing.  Huh, I thought. 

He looked to be so joyful for (really) no apparent reason.  Or perhaps, there wasn’t any ‘reason’ my brain could come up with as to why he was acting so happy in that moment. (I should mention my son is 2.5 years old.)

I wonder why he’s so happy, I thought. Then something profound came to me. 

He is living in his true state of being! 

There is no ‘reason’ we have to have in order to be happy or joyful – but for the mere sake of existing – of being – of living.

Tosh, my son, was simply being - expressing the pure love that is him. 

Then I thought, you know, adults, teenagers, stressed-out individuals - ALL humans - have this ability.  An ability that is so natural, like water flowing down a river.  No effort needed because it is who we are. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am like every other parent out there who clinches her teeth as their toddler throws a tantrum in the Library.  Who (at times) uses all her strength to hold back from acting on the immediate thoughts in her head as her child hits her and throws objects at her (currently dealing with this). Who criticizes herself with loads of judgement when her son comes back from a night at Grandma’s and behaved like an ‘angel’. (Why can’t he do that for me?)  Yes, just because I’m writing this doesn’t mean I’m immune to being human. 

However, I do find that when I’m open to learning, I do indeed learn so very much. 

Even from my toddler son.  (Yes, you read that correctly).

Actually, tons of learning happens when I am present with my child.

We visited the zoo several weekends ago with Tosh, our son.  As we approached the entrance, I glimpsed a sign that said, “Water is never tired of flowing.”   

Of course!  

Because water is just flowing, surrendering to the flow, much like children know how to do so naturally.

As we navigated the Zoo, I had all these thoughts about what we ‘should’ or ‘needed’ to cover.  Tosh, on the other hand, had completely different ideas about how to see the Zoo.   

He just flowed. 

And me, in my innocent thinking, trying numerous times to drag or coerce him to see the chimps … “Monkeys are over here Tosh,” I said.  “Here there are - down here, come on, come on,” I kept telling him.  Ultimately feeling like some kind of monkey drug dealer to my child.

 Tosh, on the other hand, was flowing through the Zoo.  At his pace, through his eyes.  Really being present with what came into view. 

Instead of wanting to see the monkeys right away – his vision caught a statute of some tigers.  So I relaxed.  And (for the most part) allowed Tosh to guide us through the Zoo.  Being patient and present with him.

We stopped at the Lions, who were taking some serious cat-naps, when suddenly, some ants on the ground caught Tosh’s attention.  Ok I thought, let’s observe some ants.   

When I relaxed, and allowed myself to experience the flow, I noticed I was having a much more enjoyable experience. 

When I was was being ‘forceful’ in my attempts, I felt tense and, well, kinda off.  Like something didn’t feel quite right.  (by the way, we did end up seeing the chimps)

So what does all this mean, really? 

For me, I was learning (again, yes, once again) that when I decided to be open to learning, something miraculous happened:

I was able to feel and be inside this pure, love-state.  

Our natural state.

So why, sometimes, does it feel like REAL effort to be in this supposedly ‘natural’ Love and Wisdom state?   

Our thoughts!

Without going into too much detail here: we, especially adults, can have a lot of thoughts about life, about situations, about people, about the past – just about anything!  (Like my thoughts about how the Zoo ‘needed’ to be seen)

It is only our momentary thoughts that happen to ‘get in the way’ of us being able to recognize that pure Love-Wisdom-state. 

The most awesome thing to know is:  

We always have the capacity to feel this love-state, this joy, this peace, this contentment in life – regardless of what may be happening situationally or circumstantially. 

For us to experience this love-state (sometimes referred to this as Wisdom) all we have to do is exist, to be alive!  That’s it!  No contract to sign or payments ...

The Love inside you is already and always there. It’s our gift as human beings.

It may just be our innocent, temporary thinking about the situation or whatever we’re dealing with in that moment that happens to take our attention away from the truth of who we are, what is present, what is truly at our core. 

Every day my son reminds me of the infinite Love that is me. 

I observe how quickly his moods change and how swifty he can move from being placed in ‘quiet time’ to hugging and kissing me the moment he is released. 

 The same is true for us adults too.  If we allowed it.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between experiencing a good day and a bad day is? 

Let’s take it even deeper than the surface issues.  Life is full of what I call ‘surface issues.’   For instance, when you can’t pay a bill, or your kitchen floor floods for no apparent reason or your tax return is seized by the student loan people (current personal issues I’m speaking of!). 

These are all ‘surface’ issues, life issues, things that inevitably come up in life that you really may have no control over whatsoever!  A.K.A. external things

So, what is beneath all these ‘surface issues’?   

Even in the midst of all these issues, your ultimate state of Love and Wisdom is still present. Find out for yourself.      

When we see ourselves caught up in obsessive ‘thinking’ about things, do you think it’s easier or harder to find a solution?

On the other side, when you are feeling at ease and maybe at peace, have you ever had a solution to a problem or question surface immediately?

These are questions I encourage you to explore for your own benefit. 

I ‘play’ like this in life a lot.  Like, “What happens when I slow down and come into the present moment in dealing with a tough, tough situation?”  I’ve learned a lot in this way of self-exploration and introspection. 

I’m not asking that you trust what I write about – more that you explore it for yourself.

What I write is not about a destination that seeks ‘perfection’ rather, simply, an exploration of the understanding of how we operate as human beings. 

Yes, there are times I fly off the handle – and have even yelled (eek) at my son – and my husband. 

Having embarked upon understanding this inside-out nature to life helps me see why I may have reacted that way.  It’s easier for me to forgive myself for the stumbles along the way too.  Understanding our human-ness has opened my heart to myself and those around me.

Children can be our best teachers.   

 If we are open to learn.

With Love and Gratitude Always 

Allowing Love to Exist

“This is Not My Pain” Allowing Love to Exist 

Tosh’s Birth Story 

A.M. Stewart 

I knew the first time I would give birth would be a peaceful experience.  It sounds like an oxymoron.  Two opposing ideas that cant quite exist with each other.  I’m here to say otherwise.  At this moment in time, I am finally able to put words in describing a deeply moving experience that came through me.  

 Here is Tosh’s Birth Story:

I went into the labor prepared with the “mantra”  “Love for a Baby.”  Which I told myself I would repeat in times of pain and discomfort.  This did not happen.  As life often does, ‘it’ has other plans that do not necessarily coincide with our personal plan-making minds. 

What came to me instead was, “This is not my pain.”

I repeated this internally throughout the entire labor and birth process.  It was the only thing my mind could say – even after I intentionally reminded myself I would rather say “Love for a baby.”  But I never repeated that continually.  It always came back to “This is not my pain."

 I didn’t stick to traditional lamaz breathing either, which made me feel as though I was going to hyperventilate and die just from breathing in that way.  I trusted what felt best, which was longer, deeper, more “yogic” type of breathing.  

 It just felt more natural to me.  Easier, more calming.

Aside from the occasional thoughts that surfaced, such as “How are women doing this multiple times and WHY??!!  And “Never the-f*#k again!”  - I remained at peace through this process.   

At peace internally!  In labor!  Through contractions!

“This is not my pain” surfaced in my mind during the most grueling and painful moments; once again allowing me to relax and ‘give up’ control of my body.  My body was in complete surrender at moments, allowing another part of my body to do the work needed to bring forth life.

At times, there was almost a ‘limpness’ to my Being.  A total relaxing of my mind and body to allow something greater to occur.  I was even able to ‘rest’ during the 23 or so odd hour period of labor.  I even laid down on my side to regain some internal and physical strength.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I did feel much of the pain and intensity; the pressure of my body searching desperately to find an opening; a resolve.  At times it felt like thunder in my body.   

But then, once again, I remembered, “This is not my Pain.”

There was a certain amount of stillness and peace in my core – even through some of the most tense and painful moments. 

My Doctor (who came in on her day OFF to deliver our son!) was surprised to find out that I had not taken 1 birthing class.  She said in all her years she had only seen one other woman give birth in such a calm, peaceful way.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We (women) know how to do this – we were built to do this. 

I’m not mentioning this part to brag (well, maybe a lil!) I’m telling this story now for several reasons:

#1. To let women know this is a possibility!  To give way for love to exist in such a peaceful way is a reality; is perfectly possible; is what we’re capable of doing! Simply so!   (Please know, if you have had a different experience – as most of us do – I am in no way judging or criticizing - just pointing to a possibility.)

 And the 2nd reason I’m sharing this story is because I now understand this deeply spiritual experience I had a little bit more.  I am now able to put words on an experience that was once indescribable.

 Let me explain:

There is an energy – 

a spiritual nature to us naturally.  

 Our limited ideas about ourselves and our physical nature tends to get in the way.  It prevents us from understanding and seeing more about ourselves at the root – who we truly are.

  When I gave up the notion, that it was ‘my’ pain, that I was ‘this’ body – something greater happened.  I remained.  
~ My essence remained ~

And I no longer identified with the pain.  It was no longer ‘mine.’  Pain was just there.  And it had no meaning, other than what it was supposed to be.

In total surrender of that pain and my body – my spirit, my energy remained.  And because of this, it provided a continual source of peace and stillness.

Allowing love to exist in the form of my son has been – to date – the most spiritually moving experience of my life.

This one occurrence showed me a depth to myself I had not previously recognized in that way.  It showed me a part of myself that was capable of un-perceivable things.

We are often greater – and can do greater things - than our thoughts about ourselves allow us to believe.

Many other 'things' happened during this experience - but this is what I felt most important to share!

With Love and Respect for ALL 

Tosh Ripple, several hours old

Tosh, 1 week