By A.M. Stewart
There was a time I remember feeling so small like I existed
without a voice. I remember feeling like I didn’t even know ‘me.’ I remember believing
the lies were true. I remember the stories I made up about weekly bruises that
suddenly appeared on my limbs. I remember wanting someone who would love me –
just for me.
Then realizing, maybe, I didn’t even love myself.
I remember the moment I spread my wings. And the moment I
noticed that I had wings! It was the
moment I decided I would no longer accept abuse. It happened quite unexpectedly.
For many years, I prayed for him to change. For him to treat
me better. For him to respect me. For
him to have an awakening that would show him how to truly love me. For him to
wake up! There I was, watching, waiting, wondering if the butterfly would ever emerge
from its cocoon. I could not see that I was in a cocoon too. Held captive only by
my thinking.
I always thought I would be able to say or ‘do’ something
that would change his thoughts and behavior. That maybe today was the day that
he would show love and compassion. And true, maybe we can have an affect on
others with our words and actions. But it is not up to us to change or ‘fix’
anyone.
The change I desperately desired did not occur within him. It
occurred within me like magic. The
rabbit suddenly popped out of the hat. There it was, my strength and Wisdom
revealed!
It was in a Yoga class where I had an insight that changed
my life forever. I wasn’t expecting to
see
life differently. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything. I wasn’t expecting any
change.
On that day, I listened to words that spoke to my heart, to my essence,
to my Wisdom, to God within.
They were words of freedom. Words of truth. Words
of simple joy.
I’m sure I had probably heard these words before but in that
moment they were truth. They were new. They were a gift only I could open. I
was finally ready in that moment to listen.
The Yoga teacher said, “We cannot change the external world,
we can only change ourselves from within.”
At that moment I knew I wanted to love myself. I knew I would
no longer accept or tolerate abuse. I knew I had to leave.
We never know what will spark a moment of deep realization
or insight. The Yoga teacher’s words were poetry to my heart. They were words I
already knew. But now I was ready. Now I saw the strength within me. Now I could
leave my cocoon.
Now, anything was possible – even starting all over.
If you happen to be stubborn like me, you often have to go
to the very bottom to discover you have to pick a different direction. You may,
like me, just want to know for certain, ‘Is this really the bottom? Are you sure
I can’t go any further?’ There was no more space in my cocoon. The only
direction left was ‘out.’
And so I flew!
We fear change so much in life. We think we’ve got to hold
onto whatever we have forever – even if it’s bad for us. Even if it’s killing
us. All of a sudden we can find ourselves wearing a bikini in snowy weather
shocked, wondering, ‘What happened? I’m freezing … where are my pants?’
Yes the weather has changed. And when we
resist change, we often create more problems.
Observe how nature gracefully accepts change whenever that
should occur. Everything happens right on time, flawlessly, like a joyous dance
between lost lovers. If Fall comes early, the leaves do not try to cling
desperately to the tree. They joyfully surrender to the present moment of
falling.
Nothing is late. Nothing is early. Nothing is resisted. It’s
all peacefully accepted as the Truth. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we relaxed just
a bit and enjoyed the changing seasons of our lives?
The season of my life changed in a matter of seconds. After
hearing the Yoga teacher’s words, a burden lifted from my shoulders. I no
longer felt guilty and ashamed of my sad marriage. I no longer felt like I had
to fix it or the other person.
I discovered, in fact, I was free.
I discovered I no longer had to lie about the bruises. I no longer had to accept being verbally put
down every day. I no longer needed to play a victim role. I no longer had to
pretend life was wonderful.
I could just be me. So I grew dreadlocks and made a plan to
leave someone who chose not love me.
I chose to love myself.
For the first time in my life I listened to my heart. I
listened to the voice deep within my soul. And I took a courageous step onto a
path I could not see. People and opportunities began to show up in my life to
help me because my eyes and heart were open.
When I began to trust that I had Wisdom I did things I never
thought I’d have the courage or strength to do. I took steps to free myself
from an abusive person. I made decisions that felt right to my soul. I stood up
for myself when people close to me questioned why I was leaving my marriage. I spoke
my Truth with love and courage.
In the midst of my abusive relationship, I received a
gift. It was a box a friend made for me.
The front of the box said, “Butterflies are always free.” A simple message of truth
about who we are.
After emerging from the cocoon, there were many moments this
butterfly had to rest. And still does. Learning to fly again can sometimes feel
like a bumpy endeavor.
We are all meant to fly free. To be contained only by the
love of our hearts. And when I least expected it, I uncovered this freedom dwelling
in my soul all along.
