Butterflies are Always Free

By A.M. Stewart

There was a time I remember feeling so small like I existed without a voice. I remember feeling like I didn’t even know ‘me.’ I remember believing the lies were true. I remember the stories I made up about weekly bruises that suddenly appeared on my limbs. I remember wanting someone who would love me – just for me.

Then realizing, maybe, I didn’t even love myself.

I remember the moment I spread my wings. And the moment I noticed that I had wings! It was the moment I decided I would no longer accept abuse.  It happened quite unexpectedly.

For many years, I prayed for him to change. For him to treat me better. For him to respect me.  For him to have an awakening that would show him how to truly love me. For him to wake up! There I was, watching, waiting, wondering if the butterfly would ever emerge from its cocoon. I could not see that I was in a cocoon too. Held captive only by my thinking.

I always thought I would be able to say or ‘do’ something that would change his thoughts and behavior. That maybe today was the day that he would show love and compassion. And true, maybe we can have an affect on others with our words and actions. But it is not up to us to change or ‘fix’ anyone.   

The change I desperately desired did not occur within him. It occurred within me like magic.  The rabbit suddenly popped out of the hat. There it was, my strength and Wisdom revealed!

It was in a Yoga class where I had an insight that changed my life forever.  I wasn’t expecting to see

life differently. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything. I wasn’t expecting any change. 
On that day, I listened to words that spoke to my heart, to my essence, to my Wisdom, to God within.  

They were words of freedom. Words of truth. Words of simple joy.

I’m sure I had probably heard these words before but in that moment they were truth. They were new. They were a gift only I could open. I was finally ready in that moment to listen.

The Yoga teacher said, “We cannot change the external world, we can only change ourselves from within.”

At that moment I knew I wanted to love myself. I knew I would no longer accept or tolerate abuse. I knew I had to leave.

We never know what will spark a moment of deep realization or insight. The Yoga teacher’s words were poetry to my heart. They were words I already knew. But now I was ready. Now I saw the strength within me. Now I could leave my cocoon.

Now, anything was possible – even starting all over.  

If you happen to be stubborn like me, you often have to go to the very bottom to discover you have to pick a different direction. You may, like me, just want to know for certain, ‘Is this really the bottom? Are you sure I can’t go any further?’ There was no more space in my cocoon. The only direction left was ‘out.’

And so I flew!

We fear change so much in life. We think we’ve got to hold onto whatever we have forever – even if it’s bad for us. Even if it’s killing us. All of a sudden we can find ourselves wearing a bikini in snowy weather shocked, wondering, ‘What happened? I’m freezing … where are my pants?’   

Yes the weather has changed. And when we resist change, we often create more problems.

Observe how nature gracefully accepts change whenever that should occur. Everything happens right on time, flawlessly, like a joyous dance between lost lovers. If Fall comes early, the leaves do not try to cling desperately to the tree. They joyfully surrender to the present moment of falling.

Nothing is late. Nothing is early. Nothing is resisted. It’s all peacefully accepted as the Truth. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we relaxed just a bit and enjoyed the changing seasons of our lives?

The season of my life changed in a matter of seconds. After hearing the Yoga teacher’s words, a burden lifted from my shoulders. I no longer felt guilty and ashamed of my sad marriage. I no longer felt like I had to fix it or the other person.

I discovered, in fact, I was free.

I discovered I no longer had to lie about the bruises.  I no longer had to accept being verbally put down every day. I no longer needed to play a victim role. I no longer had to pretend life was wonderful.

I could just be me. So I grew dreadlocks and made a plan to leave someone who chose not love me.

I chose to love myself.

For the first time in my life I listened to my heart. I listened to the voice deep within my soul. And I took a courageous step onto a path I could not see. People and opportunities began to show up in my life to help me because my eyes and heart were open.

When I began to trust that I had Wisdom I did things I never thought I’d have the courage or strength to do. I took steps to free myself from an abusive person. I made decisions that felt right to my soul. I stood up for myself when people close to me questioned why I was leaving my marriage. I spoke my Truth with love and courage.

In the midst of my abusive relationship, I received a gift.  It was a box a friend made for me. The front of the box said, “Butterflies are always free.” A simple message of truth about who we are.

After emerging from the cocoon, there were many moments this butterfly had to rest. And still does. Learning to fly again can sometimes feel like a bumpy endeavor.

We are all meant to fly free. To be contained only by the love of our hearts. And when I least expected it, I uncovered this freedom dwelling in my soul all along.