The morning after the Doctor told us our baby's heartbeat had stopped in my womb, my 3 year- old son must have known. He slept in bed with us that night. When we awoke in the morning, he held my face with both his hands and kissed my lips over and over.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Like he knew. And was saying to me, "Mommy, it's ok. I love you."
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| The painting I was moved to create |
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to experience sadness or a loss. I think our thoughts can tell us there is. That we 'should' be going through certain steps of grieving - which is okay too - but not necessarily a 'have to.'
Something that I was quite surprised by were my feelings and 'state of mind' throughout it all. I noticed myself expereincing - even in the midst of this sadness - great peace, happiness and joy. I noticed myself being quite judgemntal of those feelings too. Conditioned thoughts arising, saying, 'No, wait - you're supposed to feel sad right now!!'
And don't get me wrong, there were many moments - and days too - of shitty. To which I replied, "Who cares! So what, you know, it's just a feeling." The feeling really doesn't say anything about the true nature of me .. so essentially, I got to enjoy the momentary misery. Maybe it's not the "normal" response but it certainly felt "natural" to me.
Sitting quietly in my living room one afternoon, I realized my thoughts and my personal mind had this tendancy to bring back and hold onto the painful thoughts and feelings. But when I just released them - I immediately felt comfort. Joy. Peace. "Interesting," I thought. It seems slightly exhausting to hold on to these sad thoughts. So I just let them go. And let them come. And then let them go again.
What always seemed to surface was this calm feeling. This eternal space of Love. And it said, "You're okay." And I deeply felt it.
Sometimes it can be as though others, unknowingly, project their feelings onto you. "Poor you" .. you know? I recall a time when a friend was telling me his car had broke down so he had to take the bus. Immediately I said to him, "I'm sorry." (assuming this must be bad for him) His response was blunt and loving, "No - I like it," He said, "I get to meet lots of people."
It's all very innocent, this projecting thing ...
I recall having many insights throughout this experience, many moments of seeing the true nature of things. One of the most powerful ones was when I allowed myself to look further into the heart of 'me.'
A mentor of mine asked me one day, "WHO has this happened TO?"
Talk about a mind-fuck. I reflected on this question and went deeply into a space of nothingness and everything-ness that appeared untouchable - unbreakable - totally absent of my self-created identity and ideas.
I discovered that only my identity (ego, thoughts) that I created could be 'hurt.' And behind all that - the truth of what I am: This energy, this resiliency, this source of ultimate Love - wherever you believe it comes from - is, well, unbreakable and always whole.
A wash of relief came over me. A realization of true and total freedom filled my spirit. And this challenging, heart-breaking experience transformed in front of my eyes into living beauty. Gratitude for all life bursting.
And it was there that I met Love in the midst of loss.
